It's official now

I saw the psychiatrist today. A nice man, Dr T.
I have been officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder w/major depressive episodes, and borderline personality disorder. The nice Doctor T says the bipolar goes back as far as my fifteenth year. That shocked and saddened me. How many therapists did I see at that age? And in the years since, too. And all anyone ever looked at was my depression. For how many years could I have been a better functioning person, with the right medication? I feel as if something has been stolen from me.

I feel somewhat better KNOWING. When you know the name of something, you take some of it's power away. I'm hoping this is indeed what happens. Between medication and partial inpatient hospitalization, I'm very hopeful. This crap has to get under control. I cannot continue to live this way. It's hard and painful.

And so it goes.....

Well. Five days of Abilify. It has made a difference. I can feel it. Not feeling so dark and down as I did. I'm actually smiling now at times. I feel like I just might come out of this ok. Better than okay. Dare I wish for 99% fixed? Therapy is helping tremendously. I was telling my friend, Molly, that I walk in and my mouth just starts to vomit words. I never know what I'm going to say. There is so much just waiting to be told, it's telling itself.

And speaking of Molly. I owe her a big debt of gratitude. For being there. For listening and knowing without me explaining. For urging me to get off my ass and call the therapist. For continuing to be my friend. Molly, dear friend, thank you so much. I love you.

followup

My stay lasted 3 days. I slept the entire time. And as soon as the 3 days was up, I told them to send me home.Not the place I needed. Seeing a therapist now, and working with my doctor. In the process of trying to pick up the pieces, and it's hard. Most days I just sit and stare into space. Today I'm feeling good, and I'm running with it. No questioning, no thinking, just doing. Being in the moment. It feels damn good. Thanks to all the wonderful people who wished me well. I reread your posts when I need some love. It works.

And so it begins. My trip down the psychiatric hospital road. I'm being admitted tomorrow, at 10am. No phone no knitting no drawstrings or shoelaces. No glass or hard plastic. I had to swear I wasn't suicidal or going to hurt anyone.
The intake coordinator says I look profoundly depressed. I guess that means that the outside finally matches the inside. So it's bye for now. I don't when I'm coming back.

What's the point again? I don't even care about myself. Like I can care about anyone else. It's asking too much. Why should anyone care anyway. About me. I'm of no use to anyone.

Latest news, and followup to older post

I'm sad to report that Julie died on Aug23rd. She was surrounded by her loved ones, and went peacefully and without pain. Her funeral was Sept 5. There were about 400 ppl in attendance. Julie was truly an outstanding person, a teacher, someone active in her faith and church. She abides in her heaven.

The latest news on Theresa, from her update email. I'm going to be up there with her. Our mother has been hospitalized for diverticulitis. It will take her a few weeks to recover fully, even after the infection is cleared up.

Hello,Just wanted to let everyone know whats new.I had the first surgery on July 30th.  The surgery went well, however, it made me sick and bedridden for the last 6 weeks.  I am NOT looking forward to a repeat of the last 6 weeks.  I was suppossed to have the 2nd surgery the 27th of August.  It got cancelled and rescheduled for Sept 10th which also got cancelled.  It is now the 15th of Sept.A month or so after this surgery, they will do a CT scan.  As long as there are less than 5 tumors in the right side of the liver, they are going to go in and enlarge the left side of the liver then cut out the right side.  It will put me in ICU for about 4 days as it is very dangerous and can cause liver failure.  After that surgery is done, they will look at the left side of the liver and if it has less than 5 tumors they will cut out the left side.  I'm sure most of you know the liver is the only organ in the human body that can regenerate itself.  It takes about 48 hours.  If those two resections go well, then I should be on chemo about 6 months then hopefully.....labeled cancer free!  Won't that be so lovely??So, say your prayers for this next surgery, the insertion of the Sirs Spheres, the radiation to the liver. Pray it doesn'tmake me so deathly ill this time.As soon as I can I will update you again.Also, if anyone knows of any duplexes for rent in Citrus heights, roseville or carmichael, please let me know.  Halie's Dad wants to move back here to be here for us.  She doesn't know that yet, so don't say anything to her.Chat soon, 
Live as though it were your last day
Laugh as though you haven't a care
Love as though you've never been hurt
Work as though you don't need the money
Dance as though no one is watching                Theresa

Her spirits are good; we spoke lastnight. That's it for now.
<3,
Pam